Who Are You Pursuing?

cashiofamily

So lately, Zach + I have not been on the same wavelength. Such as- we fight constantly + are basically living the life of ‘I don’t like you + you don’t like me’. We’ve been walking next to each other like pissed off roommates because someone didn’t do the dishes on their night. I’ve been struggling with my pride of not wanting to say sorry when I should. I feel validated because my feelings seem legit.

If I had to say what this all stems from, it would be stress + lack of time. Since the end of January we have been eat, sleep, breathe Airstream renovation and for the past 6 weeks we have been SUPER frustrated because we’ve missed every deadline + honestly for a control freak/timeline girl/master planner, I am just not okay with this. I had a plan…Why did it fall through? Zach is working his butt off, but we still keep coming up short. We mark one thing off the list + 3 things get added. Our patience is thin. We haven’t made time for a date night + most nights we go to bed feeling like we’re drowning in our ‘to do list’ for the next day. If I add in the chaos the kids bring to the picture we look like an episode of Jerry Springer.

The other day I was trying to talk to God about my feelings, because Zach is obviously not understanding me + doesn’t care about my feelings- (insert the rolling eyes emoji). I was trying to reason why I am so frustrated with Zach. There are many reasons that are all surface level; Airstream not complete, no us time, etc. But the main one under the surface was I don’t feel pursued. And for me that’s a sucky feeling. Watch any chick flicks and the girl always wants to be swept off her feet + given those butterflies in her stomach. She wants to be {pursued}. Zach is so stressed + I’m a professional nagger so I wasn’t really pursuable at the moment. Add in that I’m a control freak and nothing is staying on plan. I look like a hot mess trying to keep it all together. My poor husband is probably like “why in the world would I want to pursue the wicked witch of the west”?! HA! And it’s not like you can control someone pursuing you, so my mood is obviously funky and I’m acting like a teenage girl going to God spilling about how awful my husband has been. And wanna know what He said to me………?

God-“Colleen, when is the last time you pursued me?”

Me-“Seriously God, do we have to make this about you?! I’m trying to throw my pity party.”

God-“Well, have you been pursuing me lately?”

Me-“…...No….”

God-“Hm, well how do you think I feel when you don’t pursue me??

Me-(*crickets*)

That seriously was our conversation.  I try to put it behind me saying that God didn’t really say those words because I was still on the ‘poor Colleen bus’.

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Then as always I got to thinking + in the last month our schedule has been nuts + I’ve been putting my Jesus time on the back burner because I’m trying to juggle too many things. And it was almost as if God slapped me across the head and said “Why would your husband ever pursue you if you aren’t pursuing me?”. And it is so true. I’m much happier when I’m pursuing God. I have more joy, peace, and positivity. You name it! When I’m not pursuing God I’m grumpy, entitled, and honestly just a (b)wi*ch. I don’t know who would want to pursue me when I act like that!

Our God is a jealous God. He doesn’t want to be put on the back-burner. He doesn’t want an idol or in my case my ‘to do list’ put in front of him. So me going to Him complaining about not being pursued was like the pot calling the kettle black since I haven’t been pursuing God.

I was listening to Air1 today on the radio and they asked if you’ve been praying for the person who rubs you the wrong way or if you’ve just been complaining about them. They said you could not change a person by nagging them… you can only pray for them. I almost changed the station because I hate being wrong + really didn’t want to hear that truth nugget. Right then I said “okay God, I can’t make the Airstream go by any faster by nagging so I’ll pray. I can’t make my husband pursue me, but I can pray about it”. And that’s all I can do, is pray. And I can get back to pursuing God so I’m a much nicer person to be around + in return things will smooth out.

I hope you don’t read my blog posts and think I’m trying to air out my dirty laundry, because trust me- nothing about posting these blogs are easy. Who wants to share their weaknesses + when they fall short… not me! But I feel there is a purpose for this space + if God wants me to share my weaknesses to help others then “here I am God, use me”. If you were stuck in a negative headspace lately, just remember I was/am right there with you! Try to seek what is under the surface that is causing the problem and how you can address it!

XO Colleen Cashio

"You must worship no other gods, for the Lord, whose very name is Jealous, is a God who is jealous about his relationship with you." Exodus 34:14

"Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belongs to Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18